Deleted Oscar Acceptance Speech
14 March 2010
The Oscar acceptance speech that was cut from the programme this year:
Thank you, thank you. My God, I can’t believe I’m here again. OK, I know I haven’t got a lot of time but I’m gonna try and squeeze in everyone.
OK, I’d like to thank the director and the editor for allowing me (and my team) to re-cut the entire movie to feature more close-ups of my face, and for agreeing to take out that horrible low angle shot that revealed my surgery scar.
I’d like to thank, the scriptwriter for agreeing to re-write my character, Attila the Hun, to make him more sympathetic and likeable, and for all the creative work they did on rewriting History to make this a moving tale of a unique individual who looks and acts a lot like me.
I’d like to thank the studio system for conceding the entire industry to the control of actors and our PR machines and the funding system for not allowing any films to get green-lit without my name attached. I’d like to thank all of the hundreds of incredible worthwhile innovative and compelling projects that could never get off the ground because they weren’t seen as ‘vehicles’ for A-listers.
I’d like to thank the director for agreeing to let me use my own accent, my own modern mannerisms, movements and quirky expressions in what was a foreign, historical drama; and to have final say on all the dialogue, allowing me to take out any that was too complex, philosophical, hard to remember or pronounce.
I’d like to thank all of the other actors who could not compete against me or even make a living in movies because they’re not as good looking as me and who will be forever relegated to being secondary, supporting character actors, even while I get an Oscar every time I dress up as someone who is ugly, old or fat. etc
Most of all I’d like to thank you: The paying public, for returning again and again, year after year to see ever larger close-ups of my face, irrespective of whether my presence was appropriate to the genre, era, and meaning of a film. And for paying me so much money that I can have even more power over how films are made and distributed, so that I can become even more of a shining light in your gloomy little lives. Thank you, thank you all.
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