Boobs are taking over
09 March 2010
Boobs are getting bigger. I kid you not. I could barely get my shopping done in Tesco’s this week for being attacked by cleavage. At every corner they were waiting for me. Brushing against me, nearly knocking me to the ground. I swear it’s not just the spring testosterone talking. The damn things are everywhere and bigger than before! I was in the poultry aisle, and there was a woman in front of me, prodding away at packed chicken breasts, her own the size of Xmas Turkeys. I tried to put side all though of fleshy meat and headed for the fruit and vegetables, only two be accosted by two living watermelons bursting from a brassiere. That was it. I felt like screaming “ladies ! Would you please put them all away?!’
Is if the final demise of feminism, an ironic inversion of ‘burn your bra, with women queuing up to Jordanise themselves with silicone enhancements. Paying the price for Katie Price’s new J-cup range by stuffing things in there to pad them out (there are silicon bags referred to, ironically as ‘chicken fillets’). Are breasts really getting larger since last time I looked. Or is it all just my paranoid imagination.
For want of a pair of my own to prod and measure I decided to do some research into the matter at hand.
The facts like the boobs themselves are shocking. Although the trend in breast augmentation is expending rapidly only 10,000 British women had the ops last year, survey show that surveys show that British women's breasts are growing generation by generation. The average bust size in the UK is now 36C, up a cup and few inches from 34B a decade ago. Marks & Spencer has just increased its current cup size, up 3 sizes to a J. and there’s all these new labels like Penache (38K) and Lejaby which now goes up to masmerising double J.
While this is good news for tit lovers everywhere, It must be bad news for ladies themselves. Having to carry around those big shopping bags everywhere, takes the fun out of the their fun bags. Most big breasted women I have had the pleasure to know, complained of back ache, nipple insensitivity, stretch marks, unwanted attention from learing males and the perpetual fear of the droop.
The reason for it. Some scientists say is the general world trend towards obesity. There are now a billion overweight people and 850 million starving. Add to that the way that the body stores all that fat fro all the excess drinking women are now doing and that cup size starts to overflow. But then there’s the big scary one: Oestrogen, in the water system from decades of women talking the pill, and from HRT. And these scary things called Xeno-oestrogens, which are chemicals found on pesticides and plastics that mimic oestrogen and behave like fat in the body and can be found in everything from lipstick to tampons and spermicides. Other synthetic oetsrogen are in the food chain. I was not wrong battery fed chickens are pumped full of the stuff, to give them bigger…you guessed it: Breasts.
Who cares, I thought to myself, since the scientists say were getting bigger in all things, brain size, height, longer life expectancy. Why not just lie back and enjoy a couple of E-cupfulls, since everything getting bigger, maybe I’ll even gain an inch or two of manhood in my lifetime.
Fate is cruel. Studies in Germany have just revealed that the male penis has lost half a centimeter in the last five years and seems set to continue it’s diminishment As the average chap is between 13 and 15 cm, and if this yearly shrinkage continues, the prospects do not look so good for 30 years time. Environmental Oestrogen poisoning is to blame.
The end of the world could so easily happen like this. Oestrogen consumption could go exponential, as women’s breasts become so large they are unable to move, and men fall into a constant state of arousal which they however are, technically, unable to satisfy. With everyone trying harder to satiate their urges, there will be ever greater doses of spermicide and the pill, and even more battery chicken consumed to feed the muscles. Like Global Warming oestrogen poisoning will enter a period of positive feedback and the graph will rise off the scale.
Such thoughts have destroyed my libido this week. Every time I see a bosom bouncing past, I think of battery chickens being syringed and the end of the world. I shall be avoiding the poultry aisle from now on.
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