should babies be left to cry?
28 April 2010
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Yet again the whole debate about feeding on demand versus routine and/or controlled crying has been sparked off by Penelope Leach's new book, in which she says that babies that are left to cry may end up being brain-damaged - and I would wholeheartedly agree with that. But, even though Penelope Leach makes it clear that babies are only at risk of damage if they are left to cry for prolonged periods over a number of days and weeks, this book is now being interpreted by many as saying that a baby should never be left to cry, even for five minutes.
In my view, there is a big difference between a baby who is crying for a reason and a baby who is crying because he needs to go to sleep, but cannot settle himself. It's all very well to say that you should never leave a baby to cry, but does anyone consider the damage that is done to mothers and babies when they suffer sleep deprivation for months on end? Instead of simply telling mothers that they should never leave their baby to cry, it would be far better to help mothers to distinguish between their baby's cries, so they can learn what he is trying to tell them and react accordingly.
When I visit a mother who has been up all night feeding and trying to settle her baby, it is very obvious that her baby is just as tired as she is and they both need help to solve the problem. I would never advocate simply leaving her baby to cry, but I do think it is important to discuss with the mother all the various reasons why her baby might be crying rather than simply saying she should cuddle him and take him into bed with her. In most cases, it is clear that the baby is either hungry, cold or suffering from a medical problem such as gastro-oesophageal reflux - which needs medical treatment, not just cuddles.
Whenever controlled crying is discussed, many think that this involves leaving a baby to cry (regardless of why he is crying) for hours on end and with no end goal in sight. This is clearly wrong and I don't think anyone does or would advocate doing this; but I'm equally clear that some babies need to learn to settle themselves at night and they can't do this if the mother is always picking her baby up every time he cries a 'I need to go to sleep' cry. I compare this situation with an adult who is tossing and turning a night and whose partner keeps turning on the light and asking what is wrong, offering to make a cup of tea, have a chat etc - this quickly becomes irritating rather than helpful!
It is also a shame when the 'feed on demand, routine is bad' brigade say that any book that recommends a routine for a baby is putting the mother's needs before that of her baby - whereas in fact the the opposite is true. Books such as mine, Gina Ford's & Tizzie Hall's are written to explain to mothers that they need to put the baby first and make sure that he is having his feed and sleep times when he needs it rather than when it suits the mother.
I am glad that Penelope Leach's new book (which I am sure is full of excellent advice) has highlighted the need to be a good, caring mother but sadly I would imagine that any mother who thinks it is okay to leave her baby to cry endlessly is unlikely to read her book ......or indeed any other!
In my view, there is a big difference between a baby who is crying for a reason and a baby who is crying because he needs to go to sleep, but cannot settle himself. It's all very well to say that you should never leave a baby to cry, but does anyone consider the damage that is done to mothers and babies when they suffer sleep deprivation for months on end? Instead of simply telling mothers that they should never leave their baby to cry, it would be far better to help mothers to distinguish between their baby's cries, so they can learn what he is trying to tell them and react accordingly.
When I visit a mother who has been up all night feeding and trying to settle her baby, it is very obvious that her baby is just as tired as she is and they both need help to solve the problem. I would never advocate simply leaving her baby to cry, but I do think it is important to discuss with the mother all the various reasons why her baby might be crying rather than simply saying she should cuddle him and take him into bed with her. In most cases, it is clear that the baby is either hungry, cold or suffering from a medical problem such as gastro-oesophageal reflux - which needs medical treatment, not just cuddles.
Whenever controlled crying is discussed, many think that this involves leaving a baby to cry (regardless of why he is crying) for hours on end and with no end goal in sight. This is clearly wrong and I don't think anyone does or would advocate doing this; but I'm equally clear that some babies need to learn to settle themselves at night and they can't do this if the mother is always picking her baby up every time he cries a 'I need to go to sleep' cry. I compare this situation with an adult who is tossing and turning a night and whose partner keeps turning on the light and asking what is wrong, offering to make a cup of tea, have a chat etc - this quickly becomes irritating rather than helpful!
It is also a shame when the 'feed on demand, routine is bad' brigade say that any book that recommends a routine for a baby is putting the mother's needs before that of her baby - whereas in fact the the opposite is true. Books such as mine, Gina Ford's & Tizzie Hall's are written to explain to mothers that they need to put the baby first and make sure that he is having his feed and sleep times when he needs it rather than when it suits the mother.
I am glad that Penelope Leach's new book (which I am sure is full of excellent advice) has highlighted the need to be a good, caring mother but sadly I would imagine that any mother who thinks it is okay to leave her baby to cry endlessly is unlikely to read her book ......or indeed any other!