Bristol Evening Post Article
22 August 2009
The Relate Guide to Finding Love
by Barbara Bloomfield
published by Vermilion Books, London.
I became attracted to the idea of writing about finding love and the
secrets of good relationships because of my current job as Counselling
Supervisor at Relate Avon. We see thousands of individuals and couples
every year who are facing all kinds of issues, from those who feel they
are 'no good' at relationships or perhaps have never felt confident enough
to have a relationship, to those who are thinking about getting out on the
dating scene again after a difficult separation or divorce.
The biggest thing that holds us all back from creating and sustaining good
relationships is fear: fear that we're not good enough in some way or fear
that the other person will let us down. In the book, we offer a positivity
plan which encourages you to talk back to your fears and shrink them down
to size. The best way to shrink down fears is find simple ways to get
engaged with life: practice being a good friend, go out of your way to
help other people and get really involved in causes and hobbies that you
are passionate about. People who are passionate about life are
interesting people who attract others to them like a magnet.
As a child, I was encouraged to be 'interested and curious' about other
people, to ask them questions and, in a way that was more than mere
politeness, to try and find out what made them tick. I think the
complexity of modern life, with so many things distracting our attention,
means that we are in danger of losing this talent for curiosity.
Quite a few years ago, I went out on 27 dates in one month as research for
a book I was writing for London Weekend Television called 'The Dating
Game.' I was pretty good at finding out all about my dates, but only one
or two of the 27 ever asked me about myself. As you can imagine, this lack
of interest, which might have been caused by nervousness or awkwardness,
was not very enticing! So I think I would advise anyone looking for a new
relationship to think about conversations and how to create an
interesting, satisfying and flowing conversation.
I've always loved writing about people and authoring books and booklets
with other people and my first book was an oral history of mining
communities. I lived for weeks with families in pit villages and
encouraged them to write and talk about their experiences of living
through the hardship of the miners' strike. There's nothing so rewarding
as drawing out other people's memories and getting them down on paper and
seeing the buzz that people get from explaining and making stories out of
the drama of their lives.
I've been working with a talented Bristol Life Coach, Margaret Hickman, on
The Relate Guide to Finding Love and we're teaming up to hold Finding a
Soulmate workshops for anyone who is ready for love but feels nervous
about taking the first step. The funny thing is that most of the barriers
that hold people back - shyness, fear, anger, sadness, social anxiety or
not knowing the 'rules' of modern dating - are things it's easy to
overcome with a bit of help and support. We work by tapping into your
feelings and encouraging you to connect more deeply with yourself and with
other people.
Margaret and I think some people get stuck in a rut of waiting for love to
come to them, rather than what we promote, which is being pro-active. Our
research seems to show that those who take finding a partner into their
own hands - joining agencies, placing adverts, asking friends for
introductions, or trying internet dating - have a much better success
rate. Margaret and I are able to advise on confidence, presentation,
communications, sex, anxiety, in fact, anything that might be holding you
back from finding a lovely soulmate. We will also help you to write a
soulmates' advert that makes the most of your talents.
We are both Bristol-based and the first Finding a Soulmate workshop will
be held on Saturday, 17th October in St Andrew's, Bristol. The book will
be launched at Blackwell Bookshop on Park Street, Bristol at the end of
October and copies are already available to buy via internet booksellers
such as Amazon. To find out more, please do contact us at
<www.inspireparents.com/finding-love> or email us at
<b.bloomfield@blueyonder.co.uk> For more about Relate Avon, visit
<www.relate-avon.org.uk>